I'm not very good with words.

I don't give a whole long narration about my daily routine or thoughts. Neither am I a person who gives raving reviews about a movie,album,poem or novel. Neither am I a person who enjoys pouring out to the virtual world, unrestrained.

So you just have to trust me when I try to say that I'm not feeling too good.

I think I'm missing certain things badly. Some should really be good riddance as they are certainly classified as vices. Others, I simply lack the courage to let them go. If this were the times in the old testament, I would have turned into a pillar of salt like Lot's wife because I always look back.

Some people have so much to say about friendships that date decades back. Committee members who weathered the storms together. Kinship that never fails. I'm not envious of all these, I just wonder how much truth and emotions can I attach to them. In instances where I've given but faced rejection or even persecution, I wonder how long will it take for my heart to heal, how long then will it take to get things back to status quo, and how long again will it take to give again.

I know I'm changing. But I'm wondering if I change faster, or has my environment changed so fast that I don't recognise the old one anymore. Or maybe, I just have a far too protective heart. That's way day in day out courage is in my prayer list.

To the deeply treasured ones who have moved ahead, I sincerely pray that you are still within my grasp.

I'm not very good with words. I'm better with feelings.